So I posted this on February 16, 2015, on the enter starplanet blog.
But I just came to the decision that this would be the right home for Rookie’s Rants.
So please enjoy and if you have already read it, Then please enjoy again.
Ok, I need to vent…here it goes the first ever official Rookie’s Rants.
I’m going to open with a question…Really? fucking Really?
I have never felt so embarrassed for everyone involved in this train wreck of a film.
i just got back from this absolute visual shit about 3 minutes ago, and I feel like I need to let the public know about my disgust for this movie.
This movie had so much hype and absolutely failed at living up to it, Not only were my constant belly laughs heard through out the movie theater, but all in said movie theater were laughing along with me.
What makes me so angry is that there has been so many better movies over the last few years that didn’t even get half of the promotional budget that this 50 shades of crap got, and that caused these awesome movies to just faded away after their release.
I exited the cinema not only laughing but also shaking my head, i was shaking my head because of the sheer amount of promotion that filled the movie theater for the dribble.
Now when I say “dribble” I mean dribble. If you haven’t seen this movie yet, go watch a movie called “Murder. set. pieces” first, It has a much fuller more solid story line and much better fucked up sex scenes…it’s horrible. I mean honestly, if I wanted to watch bondage porn I would just go type “bondage” into pornohub.com and whack away in front of my computer, And do you know what’s even funnier than me whacking off to bondage porn at my computer? The fact that the acting in said bondage porn would actually be better that the performances I just seen…maybe it was the actors, maybe it was the pathetic dialog they were given to vomit, But it made me cringe and squirm with every disappointing syllable.
So just because of that, while I’m at it, E.L James…FUCK YOU!! that’s right a big punk rock FUCK YOU straight to your fat, fucked up ass whipping sexual fantasy, horrible looking face.
Your story…is fucking shit. Go ahead call Galileo’s Ghost a big pile of steaming clown shit.
But at least my Grey ain’t some ass fisting fucktard who can’t take the fact he had a fucked up life out on himself, like other normal fucked up people who develop a heroin addiction or cut themselves.
That would have been a much better story.
Instead your Grey takes his “50 shades of fucked up” (HAHAHAHAHA!!) out on women…so calling this guy a guy or even a man is not the right way to describe this so called male fantasy.
You see I fail to see the pleasure in forcing a women to bend to my will…Now in my fifty shades of grey, the romantic interest would be a girl who prefers skate shoes over high heels, and when in high heels doesn’t complain about her feet hurting, because quite frankly I’m sick of telling girls they should have worn more comfortable shoes. She would also tell me to “Get fucked” every once and awhile.
“Hey babe, can you suck my dick?” Rookie said with a smirk and a slightly chauvinist tone.
“Get fucked, do it fucking yourself you asshole” she replied with an authority in her voice that Rookie had never heard from her before.
Respectfully and slightly more aroused he says “I fucking Love you, babe”.
See!! that’s how my 50 shades would have gone!! I hate people who have no will of their own, or no strength to grapple with their inner demons.
You see, I understand the submissive thing, I am a man after all. That’s why catch wrestling means so much to me, and makes up a part of who I am. It’s the left over gorilla in me that makes me want to be better than all the others. That’s why I practice submissions on other MEN!! who can fight back!! and not be so easily over powered like a woman can. (And yes I understand how sexist that may sound, but lets put it this way. In school we had a conversation in ancient history class, the discussion was about domestic violence and also people who like to be hit for pleasure. I said, I could never hit a girl, what pleasure could be had from hitting something that couldn’t fight me back?
My class mate replied, But if I hit you first then I would expect you to hit me back, It’s only right.
I laughed, much the same as I did to this movie. She asked why am I laughing.
I replied “Me hitting you, Is drastically different to you hitting me. If you hit me I’d laugh. If I hit you, you’d be knocked the fuck out.”)
And just because I’ve got a couple of more “FUCK YOUs” in my pocket I need to use.
Dana Brunetti and Sam Taylor-Johnson!! FUCK YOU!! you two can share that one.
And Michael De Luca…FUCK YOU!! I want my money back you fuck.
And finally, Kelly Marcel…next time you are hired to write a screen play for one of the fat bitches books again, just say you did and write your own story…FUCK YOU!!
Ok, more questions.
Firstly, Are possible psycho killers a new thing for girls to get wet to now? last time I checked, possible stalkers were quite the turn off for girls or should I just start standing outside your house in a suit? or just turning up at places were i know you will be with a creepy fucking smile?
Seriously!! that is what this fucking moron does the entire movie!! It’s fucking creepy!!
Secondly, and I am completely curious when I say this, did anyone else notice just how thin and hollow this plot was? How absolutely pathetically empty the entire story was. I feel like I could yell in it and it would echo or contain some type of kinder surprise toy inside.
Fuck!! if it came with a kinder surprise toy I don’t think I’d be as pissed off as I am now.
Thirdly, and I’m honestly serious. How the fuck do I get my $8 back?
The best part of the movie was the horrible half melted peppermint choc top ice cream and basically flat cup of coke.